Rebbe Natan of Breslov and how He saved my life.

When I was turning 28 I went to Rebbe Natan.

I used to travel to a new country every birthday.

Movement was my ritual. Expansion my language.

But that year, my soul was crying.

And I was crying with it.

On the outside, I was still building - showing up, creating, continuing.

But underneath, my foundations were shaking.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

The relationship I was in - the marriage I believed in - was slowly draining me of my spark.

And I couldn’t explain it.

I didn’t even fully understand it myself.

I couldn’t fathom how someone could change so fast.

It felt unreal, like I imagined it.

Like I was crazy.

Emotional abuse is like that.

You lose your inner compass before you lose the person.

I was stuck.

And I didn’t see a way out.

When my friends said, “Let’s go to Uman,” I stopped waiting for unkept promises to come true and chose to do something for myself.

Twenty-eight is כח - strength.

And I had to start somewhere.

That trip was the first step.

Not leaving the relationship yet - that wasn’t even a possibility in my mind yet.

but changing my environment.

I cried the entire trip.

It didn’t feel strange to me. I had been crying for months already.

But my friends noticed.

My rebbes noticed.

And slowly… I started noticing too.

I began stepping back into my body.

Listening to it again.

We went to the river to cleanse - a mikvah.

A ritual immersion.

To release what no longer served me.

To pray for a better year.

To step into my strength.

It was a miracle.

I started noticing the spirals.

And one day, I realized something quietly life-altering:

The spiral wasn’t even mine.

For the first time in a long time, I could really pray.

Not from panic.

Not from fear.

But from clarity.

And the answer I received was simple and devastatingly honest:

I can’t change anyone - only myself.

The trip was five days.

But it changed my life.

I came home back inside myself.

And ready to stay there.

That’s how I left a relationship that was slowly killing me.

I didn’t fight.

I didn’t convince.

I didn’t force clarity.

I changed my environment.

I cleared my body.

And I reconnected to my soul.

The spirals no longer moved me.

And his behavior became clearer and clearer -

angrier, more manipulative.

Until one day I realized something undeniable:

I don’t feel safe.

I haven’t felt safe.

And I love myself enough to feel safe.

I cannot build a home or a family with someone I don’t feel safe with.

God did the rest.

All I had to do was open the way -

and step into my strength.

Thank you, Rabbi Natan,

for your gentle way.

For the Torah you wrote that brought me back to my roots,

to Chassidus,

and ultimately -

home to myself.